


Understanding

by Sandrine Shaw (Sandrine)



Category: Saw (Movies)
Genre: Fix-It, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Movie(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-06
Updated: 2014-04-06
Packaged: 2018-01-24 14:38:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1608722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sandrine/pseuds/Sandrine%20Shaw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They got out of there, but they will never truly get away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Understanding

**Author's Note:**

> Old fic, written all the way back in 2005.

They got out of there, but they will never truly get away. 

It takes Adam a long time to realize this. Lawrence probably understood it sooner, because he knows about the nature of traumas from books and second-hand experiences. Adam, on the other hand, clings to the hope that the memories will fade. He waits for the nightmares to stop, for the claustrophobia to go away, for his life to turn back to normalcy.

It is hard to accept that this is never going to happen. That the life he so desperately wants to return to, shitty as it was, ended the moment he woke up in that tub. 

There's no going back.

What's worse - there's no one who understands. Oh, of course, there are the psychologists with their calm, patronizing questions. _How do you feel, Adam? Do you think that what happened is your fault, somehow?_ He wants to yell at them, tell them that they don't know shit. Sometimes, he does. Mostly, though, he just sits on the couch and stares out of the window, answering mechanically in monosyllable words.

His friends rarely call anymore. They never come to see him. Not that they kept in touch regularly to begin with; but now, it's almost as if they're afraid to talk to him. Afraid that if they say the wrong thing, Adam might break. He doesn't blame them. He's never been the most stable person; and even if he had been, after living through something like that, anyone might crack. He has no real desire to talk to them either. Even mundane chitchat has turned into a minefield. Adam once made the mistake of telling one of his buddies that he felt like shit. _Fuck, man. After what you've been through, that's no surprise. I can imagine how you must feel…_ The last sentence almost made Adam punch the living daylights out of his friend. He didn't; but the anger in his eyes was enough to scare the guy off for good.

 _No one_ can imagine how he feels. No one who hasn't been there. Not the police, not the therapists, and certainly not his buddies whose idea of a bad day consists of running out of beer and the Giants losing their game. They don't have anything to compare his experiences to - none of them.

No one but Lawrence.

Because Lawrence has been through it all. Has cut off his foot to get them both out. Has almost bled to death in a dark, moldy corridor. Even though they could save the foot, he will never walk without a crutch anymore. They both have scars, but compared to Lawrence's, Adam's are almost… minor. In a way, the knowledge is comforting. In a way, he is _glad_ that Lawrence has been down there with him. He feels guilty for even thinking it, because Lawrence certainly never deserved this; but Adam thinks Lawrence would understand.

Lawrence seems to understand everything. Seems to be able to read Adam's moods, and not condescend: calming Adam down when he's panicking, letting Adam yell at him when he gets angry, holding Adam through the nightmares. He understands that after the worst ones - the ones where the police never find them and never shoot the bastard who did that to them, leaving Lawrence to bleed to death and Adam to rot in the darkness of the bathroom - Adam will not talk for hours, just cling to Lawrence as if his life depended on it. Just as he understands that to Adam, the most comforting words are neither _I'm sorry_ nor _I love you_ , but simply _I will never leave you again_. Not quite enough to chase the nightmares away, but they put them on hold for a few hours.

It is exactly one year after he was taken that Adam finally gets it.

"It will always be like that, won't it?" he asks. There's no real need to say more, but he continues nevertheless: "We will never live a normal life anymore. The nightmares are not going to go away. You will never walk into an underground car park without getting a panic attack. I will never be able to be in a locked room again. It's going to be like this forever. Isn't it?"

He knows it is. He just needs to hear it.

Lawrence looks at him for a long moment. "It might get better," he finally says. "But no, it's not going to go away."

Adam nods; and when he speaks again, there's a different kind of edge to his voice. "You will never go back to your family again, will you?" He can accept the rest, as long as it means he can keep Lawrence. It's an ugly, selfish thought, but he cannot help himself.

A shrug. "I don't think I could, even if I wanted to." Lawrence smiles wryly. "But for the record, I don't want to."

The hint of a smile lights Adam's face. He lets his forehead drop against Lawrence's, closing his eyes.

"It's going to be okay," Lawrence says soothingly, and kisses him. 

It's an odd thing to say, because, obviously, it's as far from 'okay' as it gets, by any definition of the word. But Adam understands. They are alive; and they have each other. And somehow, that's enough.

End.


End file.
